"TW DOMESTIC ABUSE ——

When [an abusive man] tells me that he became abusive because he lost control of himself, I ask him why he didn’t do something even worse. For example, I might say, “You called her a fucking whore, you grabbed the phone out of her hand and whipped it across the room, and then you gave her a shove and she fell down. There she was at your feet where it would have been easy to kick her in the head. Now, you have just finished telling me that you were ‘totally out of control’ at that time, but you didn’t kick her. What stopped you?” And the client can always give me a reason. Here are some common explanations:

"I wouldn’t want to cause her a serious injury."
“I realized one of the children was watching.”
“I was afraid someone would call the police.”
“I could kill her if I did that.”
“The fight was getting loud, and I was afraid the neighbors would hear.”

And the most frequent response of all:

"Jesus, I wouldn’t do that. I would never do something like that to her.”

The response that I almost never heard — I remember hearing it twice in the fifteen years — was: “I don’t know.”

These ready answers strip the cover off of my clients’ loss of control excuse. While a man is on an abusive rampage, verbally or physically, his mind maintains awareness of a number of questions: “Am I doing something that other people could find out about, so it could make me look bad? Am I doing anything that could get me in legal trouble? Could I get hurt myself? Am I doing anything that I myself consider too cruel, gross, or violent?”

A critical insight seeped into me from working with my first few dozen clients: An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside. I can’t remember a client ever having said to me: “There’s no way I can defend what I did. It was just totally wrong.” He invariably has a reason that he considers good enough. In short, an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.

I sometimes ask my clients the following question: “How many of you have ever felt angry enough at youer mother to get the urge to call her a bitch?” Typically half or more of the group members raise their hands. Then I ask, “How many of you have ever acted on that urge?” All the hands fly down, and the men cast appalled gazes on me, as if I had just asked whether they sell drugs outside elementary schools. So then I ask, “Well, why haven’t you?” The same answer shoots out from the men each time I do this exercise: “But you can’t treat your mother like that, no matter how angry you are! You just don’t do that!”

The unspoken remainder of this statement, which we can fill in for my clients, is: “But you can treat your wife or girlfriend like that, as long as you have a good enough reason. That’s different.” In other words, the abuser’s problem lies above all in his belief that controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable….

"

Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (via seebster)

THIS BOOK SAVED MY LIFE AND I CANNOT RECOMMEND IT ENOUGH
EVERYONE ON EARTH SHOULD READ THIS *except abusers

(via theinconstantones)

(via angrynativefeminists)

trashyprinces:

In Reverse: Juan Betancourt for Tom Ford.

(via theuppitynegras)

nprfandom:

i would much rather be the “obnoxious feminist girl” than be complicit in my own dehumanization, thanks

(via theuppitynegras)

you guys tonight on the bus some drunk white guy interrupted me while i had my headphones on to try and get me to tell the person he was on the phone with that he was actually on the bus and i just straight up told him “i don’t feel comfortable doing that” and put my headphone back in. like i’m so proud of myself for not just doing it because i was afraid of saying “no.” that’s a big step for me.

also dude, whatever issues you have that make that person not trust you will def not be solved by interrupting me to confirm your location. 

moniquill:

iknowuthink:

Expanded Consciousness

Growing food instead of lawns is good, but can we PLEASE stop with the condescending bullshit that implies that people who choose to grow lawns must only being doing it for shallow ‘sheepish’ reasons?
Maybe instead of snidely saying ‘trying to impress your neighbors?’ give people instructions on how to work with and/or fight their home owner’s association, how to appeal to a landlord, how to address local ordinances, and how to grow stealth food crops as ornamental plants in areas where food gardening is banned. Seriously, they will come bulldoze your shit and then bill you for it.
We need more posts instructing people how to guerrilla garden and found community gardens, and fewer posts saying ‘You only have a lawn because you’re shallow and vain and stupid!’

moniquill:

iknowuthink:

Growing food instead of lawns is good, but can we PLEASE stop with the condescending bullshit that implies that people who choose to grow lawns must only being doing it for shallow ‘sheepish’ reasons?

Maybe instead of snidely saying ‘trying to impress your neighbors?’ give people instructions on how to work with and/or fight their home owner’s association, how to appeal to a landlord, how to address local ordinances, and how to grow stealth food crops as ornamental plants in areas where food gardening is banned. Seriously, they will come bulldoze your shit and then bill you for it.

We need more posts instructing people how to guerrilla garden and found community gardens, and fewer posts saying ‘You only have a lawn because you’re shallow and vain and stupid!’

(via angrynativefeminists)

Anonymous asked: don't you think your "boys in crop tops" tag needs more white guys?

indikos:

alchemy:

i don’t think anything in the world needs more white guys

prisons

Tags: omg truth q

housewifeswag:

richgaaaang:

fat isn’t an insult skinny isn’t a compliment they’re just words describing body types please drill that in your heads

this.

(Source: trashbitchpissdick)

lessaismore:

fullten:

cultcouture:

Spring

damn. 

Hello beautiful person!

lessaismore:

fullten:

cultcouture:

Spring

damn. 

Hello beautiful person!

(via theuppitynegras)

Tags: hotness makeup q

I would love to be a superhero.-Anthony Mackie

(Source: peterjasonquillstarlord, via tordles)

pussybrigade000:

if you don’t support fat girls in crop tops and mini skirts then i cannot support you

(Source: ramseytime, via theuppitynegras)

 Janelle Monáe sings Rock Steady with Kimbra.

(Source: jessicaisgray, via fatbodypolitics)

fatbodypolitics:

laurazocca:

Future me.

"Hello Kitties!"

(Source: kane52630)